The Sandwich Generation - How Not To Get Smushed

Last time I wrote about my Smith College reunion.  Well, another classmate and I led a workshop together about caregiving for our elderly parents.   We talked about the challenges that face many of our generation - we love our parents and feel responsible, but have other demands on our lives (work, children, relationships).

There were a couple of themes that emerged:  How do we set boundaries?  Should we move our parents near us, or should we move near them?  How do we care for them when they are far away?  How can we use technology to aid us in a way that is not intimidating for them? How do we work things out with our siblings?  Who else can we call upon to help us?  How do we keep from feeling isolated?  How do we keep from feeling overwhelmed?

And there were a few solutions - make at least time for yourself every day - for a cup of coffee, for exercise, for journaling ... It was a very powerful and intimate session with virtual strangers.  The act of connecting was, I think, the most powerful part of it. And it became clear that it is important not to be isolated in the process.

The most important and structured suggestion was offered by my classmate, Helene Powers: to form a caregiving group.  Helene's husband, Adam, was being treated for cancer several years ago when a friend offered to make dinner for them.  This simple act blossomed into a caregiver group - which provided powerful but simple and crucial support to Helene and Adam as they went through the cancer journey, and to Helene through her grief after Adam's death 7 years ago.  Helene has written about the process, and has written about how you can create your own caregiving group in a booklet called Friends Indeed: How to Help During a Serious Illness.  Check it out!

The Elders

I'm so excited!

This week I learned about a whole new way to use mediation - to help families make decisions together when an elderly parent can no longer take care of herself, or drive, or live alone. Or when the siblings are trying to decide what to do with the summer house, or how to divide up the stuff Dad left ...

The training was taught by Arline Kardasis and Blair Tripp from Elder Decisions/Agreement Resources in Massachusetts. They are very compassionate - particularly towards the needs of the elder. (In this way, it is not a completely neutral process.)

How do you manage to keep your independence and your dignity when you can't do what you used to? You depend on your daughter, but she is always arguing with your son....

How often do adult siblings argue when Mom needs more care, or Dad needs to go into a nursing home? And yet, this is when they need each other the most.

There is so much to do! Not only take care of Mom or Dad's day to day needs, but to find out what resources are available, how much it all costs, whether insurance will pay, where s/he'll get the best care ... And then, how do you deal with the emotions of it all - to see that your own parent can't do it all as s/he used to, that you have kind of a role reversal, having to take care of him/her more, or, attending to your own grief which may come all at once or in the little details of having someone slowly slip away for you.

And this is when all of the old sibling stuff from your childhood may come up! (Remember the Smothers Brothers? Mom always loved you best!)

Mediation is a great way to start the dialog, to do problem solving together, to build back those important family relationships, to begin to work together as a team ...