The Sandwich Generation - How Not To Get Smushed

Last time I wrote about my Smith College reunion.  Well, another classmate and I led a workshop together about caregiving for our elderly parents.   We talked about the challenges that face many of our generation - we love our parents and feel responsible, but have other demands on our lives (work, children, relationships).

There were a couple of themes that emerged:  How do we set boundaries?  Should we move our parents near us, or should we move near them?  How do we care for them when they are far away?  How can we use technology to aid us in a way that is not intimidating for them? How do we work things out with our siblings?  Who else can we call upon to help us?  How do we keep from feeling isolated?  How do we keep from feeling overwhelmed?

And there were a few solutions - make at least time for yourself every day - for a cup of coffee, for exercise, for journaling ... It was a very powerful and intimate session with virtual strangers.  The act of connecting was, I think, the most powerful part of it. And it became clear that it is important not to be isolated in the process.

The most important and structured suggestion was offered by my classmate, Helene Powers: to form a caregiving group.  Helene's husband, Adam, was being treated for cancer several years ago when a friend offered to make dinner for them.  This simple act blossomed into a caregiver group - which provided powerful but simple and crucial support to Helene and Adam as they went through the cancer journey, and to Helene through her grief after Adam's death 7 years ago.  Helene has written about the process, and has written about how you can create your own caregiving group in a booklet called Friends Indeed: How to Help During a Serious Illness.  Check it out!

We are all made of Sound

Mediating a few weeks ago, a client said, "We are all made of sound."  

She meant that we are all influenced by others, shaped by others.  What a poetic way of putting it.  I have commented before on the "ghosts in the room," in mediation - the parents, girlfriends, best friends, etc. who influence our thinking.  These people, who are not actually sitting around the table, can have a deep effect on mediation.  How do we address their thoughts -- their voices in our conscience, giving their opinions?  

One thing we can do is acknowledge their existence.  Simply admit that they exist and allow them to be there. they serve a purpose.  Most often, they have good intentions.  Listen to those voices and decide how much you will listen to them - how loud they will be to your ears.  But then realize that what those well-intentioned people want for you might not be exactly what you want for yourself.  Do those voices harmonize with your own?  Do they augment it?   Or is there discord?

And then we must listen to our own inner voices, too.  For we are writing the story of our life - we are each writing our own personal symphony.  

  

Are You Being Heard?

A visitor to Jerusalem goes to the Wailing Wall.  He sees a rabbi there, praying.  He asks the rabbi what he is praying for.  

  "Peace in the middle east," the rabbi says.  

  "How long have you been praying?" our visitor asks.

  "Every day for 25 years!"

  "And how is it going?  Do you think we are making progress?" our friend asks.

  "It's like talking to a wall!"  The rabbi exclaims.

I've noticed that one of the most powerful aspects of mediation is simply to be listened to.  

Often when a couple has been fighting, they each simply feel that they are misunderstood.  So it can be very validating - and perhaps healing - when I listen deeply to that point of view.  And it sends a message to the other person that that point of view is worth taking the time to understand.  

The quality of the mediation has a lot to do with the quality of the listening.  It's hard to explain that, but I really believe it is true.