The Sandwich Generation - How Not To Get Smushed

Last time I wrote about my Smith College reunion.  Well, another classmate and I led a workshop together about caregiving for our elderly parents.   We talked about the challenges that face many of our generation - we love our parents and feel responsible, but have other demands on our lives (work, children, relationships).

There were a couple of themes that emerged:  How do we set boundaries?  Should we move our parents near us, or should we move near them?  How do we care for them when they are far away?  How can we use technology to aid us in a way that is not intimidating for them? How do we work things out with our siblings?  Who else can we call upon to help us?  How do we keep from feeling isolated?  How do we keep from feeling overwhelmed?

And there were a few solutions - make at least time for yourself every day - for a cup of coffee, for exercise, for journaling ... It was a very powerful and intimate session with virtual strangers.  The act of connecting was, I think, the most powerful part of it. And it became clear that it is important not to be isolated in the process.

The most important and structured suggestion was offered by my classmate, Helene Powers: to form a caregiving group.  Helene's husband, Adam, was being treated for cancer several years ago when a friend offered to make dinner for them.  This simple act blossomed into a caregiver group - which provided powerful but simple and crucial support to Helene and Adam as they went through the cancer journey, and to Helene through her grief after Adam's death 7 years ago.  Helene has written about the process, and has written about how you can create your own caregiving group in a booklet called Friends Indeed: How to Help During a Serious Illness.  Check it out!

Estate Planning as a Family Conversation

The NY Times ran a terrific article last week about the value of talking about your estate plan with your family.  Although it may cause some friction at the time, it gives family members a chance to vent, to speak their piece, and it gives parents (or whomever is doing the planning) an opportunity to explain their thinking. 

Many parents leave their estate to be divided equally among their children.  While this is logical, and appears fair on the surface, it may not always be so.  What if Susie has a disability and will never be able to work?  Or what if she needs skilled nursing, while the other kids are fine?  Or what if the parents have been paying for Johnny's rent for the last 20 years?  Maybe they want to leave more to one child than the other in their will. 

Of course, it is natural that conflict will arise.  This brings up old "stuff."  (Remember the Smothers Brothers?  "Mom always liked you best!") 

This is a perfect opportunity for family estate mediation - a chance to sit down together and really understand things from the others' perspectives.  After all, what parents almost always want, more than anything, is to know that their children will keep lines of communication open, and will get along.  Mediation does not gloss over the surface, nor is it family therapy.  It is a facilitated, structured conversation - a chance to do problem solving together.  And it is future-oriented. 

Family members will continue their relationships long after the senior member is no longer here. By facilitating creative problem solving, estate mediation can help ensure that the elders' intentions are understood and carried out.