Bankrupt?

Is bankruptcy a possibility for you? For your ex? Are you worried about how it will affect the financial terms of your divorce or separation?

Bankruptcy cannot discharge court-ordered obligations of child support, alimony or equitable distribution.  That means that even if you declare bankruptcy, you must pay support to your family.  It also means that if there is any money that will be divided among creditors, the family comes first.  

But what if you are not legally married?  Or if you are and you and your ex  just want a legal separation, not a divorce? Many couples who mediate or go through the collaborative process want a separation agreement, without planning to file it in court.  They are legal contracts, but the child support or "palimony" are not court-ordered.  Would those be discharged from bankruptcy?  Well, it seems that public policy would dictate that whatever money there is should still go to the family first.  But why risk it? 

You and your ex can agree to let the other know if you are thinking of declaring bankruptcy, to give the other a chance to go to family court to get a court order for child or "spousal" support.    That would keep your priorities straight - and make sure your kids get fed before the credit card companies.

If only the federal government thought that way!  

Are You Being Heard?

A visitor to Jerusalem goes to the Wailing Wall.  He sees a rabbi there, praying.  He asks the rabbi what he is praying for.  

  "Peace in the middle east," the rabbi says.  

  "How long have you been praying?" our visitor asks.

  "Every day for 25 years!"

  "And how is it going?  Do you think we are making progress?" our friend asks.

  "It's like talking to a wall!"  The rabbi exclaims.

I've noticed that one of the most powerful aspects of mediation is simply to be listened to.  

Often when a couple has been fighting, they each simply feel that they are misunderstood.  So it can be very validating - and perhaps healing - when I listen deeply to that point of view.  And it sends a message to the other person that that point of view is worth taking the time to understand.  

The quality of the mediation has a lot to do with the quality of the listening.  It's hard to explain that, but I really believe it is true.

   

Learn from the Dogs!

New York City parks have many wonderful places for dogs to play during off-leash hours.  Dogs create their own social relationships (as do their owners!), creating a complex subculture.

My golden retriever and I frequent a huge, hilly open meadow a in Prospect Park called "the Nethermead."  It's a wonderful part in the center of the park where no buildings are visible, and it is quite easy to forget you are in the middle of one of the largest cities in the world.  

There are two dogs often there who can only be called best friends. One is a doberman, the other is a pit bull mix.  They are about the same size and weight, I'd guess, although they have very different shapes.  They share a toy that is a big rubber ring, about 10 or 12 inches wide.  Each dog grabs one end and pulls. And so they tug, face to face.  For hours.  It's like watching an eight-legged dance across the grass.  

"Who needs TV?" I asked, the first time I saw them.  They can keep each other entertained for hours!  They are perfectly matched, fully engrossed, focused only on each other, working hard and going nowhere.

This reminds me of couples who are deeply engaged in fighting with each other.  It can be very engrossing, taking all of your attention, and require constant adjusting and maneuvering -- but look where it gets you ... nowhere!

Different Time Zones

I've been doing a few mediations lately where the timing of the partners is way out of sync.  It often happens in divorce that one person can't wait and the other is dragging his/her feet.  So what do you do?  Well, as my friend Rachel Green says, "A train can only go as fast as its slowest wheel."  

Mediation is a voluntary process. and it must be done in tandem, so the rabbit has no choice but wait for the hare to catch up.  This can be frustrating for the hare, but the best decisions are those that are made from a place of being relatively centered.  The key here is to think long-term!

A New Mindset!

"We are living in a society in which victims are compensated with money." - Rod Wells

Rod is one of my colleagues on the Board of Directors of the Family and Divorce Mediation Council of Greater New York, and he is also a Financial neutral in mediation and collaborative cases. He stated this at a meeting of the NYS Council on Divorce Mediation a few weeks ago.

If we come to a separation with that mentality, we must show how badly we've been wronged, for the worse off we are emotionally, the more we stand to gain financially. It focuses on punishing bad behavior for what has happened in the past.

Is that the collaborative process? No! In the collaborative or mediation process, we are looking to see how we can use the existing resources to get the best outcomes for every member of the family. Or to use the existing resources to increase what is available. (In other words, instead of dividing the pie up, make a bigger pie!) This keeps us focused more in the present, asking the question - what is the best outcome given where we are now?

It's a whole different mindset!

Either/Or or Both/And?

My friends and I used to talk about a concept of "both/and" as opposed to "either/or."  What we meant was that, when making group decisions, we could look for solutions that were good for the group as a whole - and therefore each person in the group (a win-win approach), rather than one person winning at the expense of another losing.  This really describes the basis of mediation and collaborative process, as opposed to litigation.   It's not about individual rights - it is about taking care of the needs of everyone in the family system.

In other worlds, you're not splitting up the pie in this way or that, you're baking a bigger pie!

Which Way Are You Facing?

One of the hardest and most important tasks in working with a couple is to get them to turn around.  They almost always come in, facing each other, arguing.   They see the other person in front of them, and often they are furious.  All they can see is what that person has done to them, all they can feel is the loss and rage inside that that person has caused.   

And then there are the logistics to work out.

And part of my job, like a ship captain, is to turn them around to face another direction.  Suddenly, the three of us (in mediation), or the four of us (in a collaborative process), are looking at something together.  We've got a problem to solve. How are we going to solve this problem?  Instead of facing each other, with blame and despair, we are working together as a team.

Because now the focus is on something logistical.  Something solvable.  And the couple is no longer each other's enemy.  Often this is the aha! moment - the moment when the insolvable seems suddenly manageable.