Last time I wrote about my Smith College reunion. Well, another classmate and I led a workshop together about caregiving for our elderly parents. We talked about the challenges that face many of our generation - we love our parents and feel responsible, but have other demands on our lives (work, children, relationships).
There were a couple of themes that emerged: How do we set boundaries? Should we move our parents near us, or should we move near them? How do we care for them when they are far away? How can we use technology to aid us in a way that is not intimidating for them? How do we work things out with our siblings? Who else can we call upon to help us? How do we keep from feeling isolated? How do we keep from feeling overwhelmed?
And there were a few solutions - make at least time for yourself every day - for a cup of coffee, for exercise, for journaling ... It was a very powerful and intimate session with virtual strangers. The act of connecting was, I think, the most powerful part of it. And it became clear that it is important not to be isolated in the process.
The most important and structured suggestion was offered by my classmate, Helene Powers: to form a caregiving group. Helene's husband, Adam, was being treated for cancer several years ago when a friend offered to make dinner for them. This simple act blossomed into a caregiver group - which provided powerful but simple and crucial support to Helene and Adam as they went through the cancer journey, and to Helene through her grief after Adam's death 7 years ago. Helene has written about the process, and has written about how you can create your own caregiving group in a booklet called Friends Indeed: How to Help During a Serious Illness. Check it out!
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Friday, May 28, 2010
Monday, April 21, 2008
The Motivation to Mediate (or Collaborate)
Are you sure that you want to mediate or engage in the collaborative process? Is this a process that makes sense for you and your partner? If so, why?
People come to mediation for many different reasons. Some want to keep things private, and avoid as much of a public record of their divorce as possible.
Others want a chance to tell their whole story, which they know they would not get to do in court or in a process of legal negotiations. To them, it is most important to be heard.
To some, keeping control of the decision-making is important. They don’t want outsiders (judges or lawyers) imposing judgments or determinations on them. They feel that they know themselves, their children and their situation best, and are therefore in the best place to make decisions.
Some people see the adversary system as just making things worse between the parties. They want to protect themselves and their children from the inherent tensions in separating, and want to minimize the hostility between them.
Others simply want to save money, and see both mediation and the collaborative process as an efficient way to keep costs down. Or they think they could get a better deal if they avoided going to court.
What makes you want to give this a try? What do you think appeals to your partner/ex? Whatever the reason, it is best to be up front about it – with yourself, with the other person, with the mediator. That gives you something to judge the process against as you go along. Is this helping you achieve that goal?
People come to mediation for many different reasons. Some want to keep things private, and avoid as much of a public record of their divorce as possible.
Others want a chance to tell their whole story, which they know they would not get to do in court or in a process of legal negotiations. To them, it is most important to be heard.
To some, keeping control of the decision-making is important. They don’t want outsiders (judges or lawyers) imposing judgments or determinations on them. They feel that they know themselves, their children and their situation best, and are therefore in the best place to make decisions.
Some people see the adversary system as just making things worse between the parties. They want to protect themselves and their children from the inherent tensions in separating, and want to minimize the hostility between them.
Others simply want to save money, and see both mediation and the collaborative process as an efficient way to keep costs down. Or they think they could get a better deal if they avoided going to court.
What makes you want to give this a try? What do you think appeals to your partner/ex? Whatever the reason, it is best to be up front about it – with yourself, with the other person, with the mediator. That gives you something to judge the process against as you go along. Is this helping you achieve that goal?
Friday, March 21, 2008
Whose kids do you want to send to college?
Whose kids do you want to send to college - yours or your lawyers?
I am amazed when I hear how much money people spend on legal fees in a divorce. Perfectly rational people who will go across the street to save a few cents on gas, who will shop at big box stores to get that volume discount, who are smart consumers, will waste thousands of dollars paying their lawyers to prove that they are right. Is it really that important?
Saving money should never be the only reason you choose mediation. In fact, if it is, mediation probably won't work. You have to commit to being honest with yourself and with your soon-to-be-ex. You can still be angry - of course. And upset. And emotional. But you have to be honest.
But as a side benefit, mediation does allow you to keep more resources inside the family. It is, frankly, less expensive. So your kids can go to college. Not your lawyers'.
I am amazed when I hear how much money people spend on legal fees in a divorce. Perfectly rational people who will go across the street to save a few cents on gas, who will shop at big box stores to get that volume discount, who are smart consumers, will waste thousands of dollars paying their lawyers to prove that they are right. Is it really that important?
Saving money should never be the only reason you choose mediation. In fact, if it is, mediation probably won't work. You have to commit to being honest with yourself and with your soon-to-be-ex. You can still be angry - of course. And upset. And emotional. But you have to be honest.
But as a side benefit, mediation does allow you to keep more resources inside the family. It is, frankly, less expensive. So your kids can go to college. Not your lawyers'.
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