The Elders

I'm so excited!

This week I learned about a whole new way to use mediation - to help families make decisions together when an elderly parent can no longer take care of herself, or drive, or live alone. Or when the siblings are trying to decide what to do with the summer house, or how to divide up the stuff Dad left ...

The training was taught by Arline Kardasis and Blair Tripp from Elder Decisions/Agreement Resources in Massachusetts. They are very compassionate - particularly towards the needs of the elder. (In this way, it is not a completely neutral process.)

How do you manage to keep your independence and your dignity when you can't do what you used to? You depend on your daughter, but she is always arguing with your son....

How often do adult siblings argue when Mom needs more care, or Dad needs to go into a nursing home? And yet, this is when they need each other the most.

There is so much to do! Not only take care of Mom or Dad's day to day needs, but to find out what resources are available, how much it all costs, whether insurance will pay, where s/he'll get the best care ... And then, how do you deal with the emotions of it all - to see that your own parent can't do it all as s/he used to, that you have kind of a role reversal, having to take care of him/her more, or, attending to your own grief which may come all at once or in the little details of having someone slowly slip away for you.

And this is when all of the old sibling stuff from your childhood may come up! (Remember the Smothers Brothers? Mom always loved you best!)

Mediation is a great way to start the dialog, to do problem solving together, to build back those important family relationships, to begin to work together as a team ...

We are all made of Sound

Mediating a few weeks ago, a client said, "We are all made of sound."  

She meant that we are all influenced by others, shaped by others.  What a poetic way of putting it.  I have commented before on the "ghosts in the room," in mediation - the parents, girlfriends, best friends, etc. who influence our thinking.  These people, who are not actually sitting around the table, can have a deep effect on mediation.  How do we address their thoughts -- their voices in our conscience, giving their opinions?  

One thing we can do is acknowledge their existence.  Simply admit that they exist and allow them to be there. they serve a purpose.  Most often, they have good intentions.  Listen to those voices and decide how much you will listen to them - how loud they will be to your ears.  But then realize that what those well-intentioned people want for you might not be exactly what you want for yourself.  Do those voices harmonize with your own?  Do they augment it?   Or is there discord?

And then we must listen to our own inner voices, too.  For we are writing the story of our life - we are each writing our own personal symphony.  

  

secrecy in collaborative law

Two people, a man and a woman, came to me separately in the past week to explore the possibility of doing collaborative law.  Both were people in short term marriages with no kids.   The real estate wasn't really the issue.   And so it seemed that their situations were relatively simple, and that the collaborative process would be relatively simple.  But scratching the surface made me see nuances that would not make the case appropriate.  

The man asked me for my legal opinion of doing something that appeared to be somewhat morally questionable.  Assuming that it was legal, it was not, as I told him, collaborative, and would not be a good way to start off the collaborative process.

The woman told me that both her husband had recently taken money from their joint bank account, which she assumed he had invested in his own name in a foreign stock market.  Again, not illegal, but it wasn't clear that he would be transparent, either.

While couples obviously do not need to agree, I do believe that there is a certain level of trust that each must have for the other, perhaps not when it comes to emotional issues, but certainly when it comes to the financial. 

The collaborative process is, unfortunately, not for everyone.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is do an honest assessment of you and your spouse, and find a lawyer who is a good negotiator, and work to get as fair a result all around as possible.  There is no reason why the tenets of collaborative process - a commitment to fairness, to self-determination, to resolving conflict with dignity - cannot be applied to negotiation.

You can't change your circumstances.  All you can do is work toward the best possible result.

  

Where are We?

President-elect Obama.

Was the election really only 9 days ago?

Doesn't it seem as though the whole world has changed since then?  It's as though we have a whole new outlook, a new range of possibilities that didn't exist before.  You knew the moment was coming, but didn't realize how profound a shift it would be until it really got here.

How could it be?  Many of my friends are strangely quiet, introspective, trying to get used to this new way of thinking and being.  Who knew that one man could enlist the hope and support of millions from all over the world?  Who knew that we could turn the race conversation on its head in one day?

We are used to thinking about crisis in terms of disaster.  

9/11.  Katrina.  Tsunami.  

Is there a word for an equally dynamic and sudden shift that is positive??

The 60's were about rebellion against the establishment.  About tearing down old structures.  

This is a different kind of revolution.  It is positive - constructive.  It's about hope.    Working together. 

Building something new.  

Fueled, in large part, by people too young to remember the sixties.  

And by those old enough to remember segregation.

I've seen huge shifts in personal thinking during mediation sessions and in the collaborative process - that aha! moment when people realize a new way of thinking.  One of those moments when everything changes for you and nothing will ever be the same.

And now it is as though the whole world has had that aha! moment.

Isn't it wonderful!?

 

Obama (the Mediator) for President

"The change we need isn't just about new programs and policies.  It's about a new politics - a politics that calls upon our better angels instead of encouraging our worst instincts; one that reminds us of the obligations we have to ourselves and one another." 

 -- Barack Obama, Canton, Ohio, October 27, 2008.

Mediation calls upon our "better angels."  And in mediation we learn to see a problem through another person's eyes.  In the family mediation that I practice, we all work together to figure out solutions that are good for ourselves and one another - for the whole family.  

Mediation is built upon a notion that people in conflict can work to solve a problem together.  But in order to do that, we must allow ourselves to see "that of God" in the other person.  We must disengage, if only for a few moments, from sparring with each other -- just long enough to hear what the other person is saying.  It is at that moment that they will also hear us.  Light and air come into the room.

Barack Obama is fundamentally inclusive. He understands, perhaps intuitively, the very core of mediation.  What would it mean if we had, as president, someone who was a mediator at his center?

I truly believe that the reason his campaign has come as far as it has is because it IS built on hope - on optimism, it calls on that which is truly good in us.  He calls us to be our highest selves.  And we, in turn, are rising to the task.  We are allowing ourselves to believe that love is possible, no matter what happens in war, with the economy.  We are allowing ourselves to believe that the best way to bring ourselves up from under is with each other.   We are all interconnected.  We need each other. 

Bankrupt?

Is bankruptcy a possibility for you? For your ex? Are you worried about how it will affect the financial terms of your divorce or separation?

Bankruptcy cannot discharge court-ordered obligations of child support, alimony or equitable distribution.  That means that even if you declare bankruptcy, you must pay support to your family.  It also means that if there is any money that will be divided among creditors, the family comes first.  

But what if you are not legally married?  Or if you are and you and your ex  just want a legal separation, not a divorce? Many couples who mediate or go through the collaborative process want a separation agreement, without planning to file it in court.  They are legal contracts, but the child support or "palimony" are not court-ordered.  Would those be discharged from bankruptcy?  Well, it seems that public policy would dictate that whatever money there is should still go to the family first.  But why risk it? 

You and your ex can agree to let the other know if you are thinking of declaring bankruptcy, to give the other a chance to go to family court to get a court order for child or "spousal" support.    That would keep your priorities straight - and make sure your kids get fed before the credit card companies.

If only the federal government thought that way!  

Are You Being Heard?

A visitor to Jerusalem goes to the Wailing Wall.  He sees a rabbi there, praying.  He asks the rabbi what he is praying for.  

  "Peace in the middle east," the rabbi says.  

  "How long have you been praying?" our visitor asks.

  "Every day for 25 years!"

  "And how is it going?  Do you think we are making progress?" our friend asks.

  "It's like talking to a wall!"  The rabbi exclaims.

I've noticed that one of the most powerful aspects of mediation is simply to be listened to.  

Often when a couple has been fighting, they each simply feel that they are misunderstood.  So it can be very validating - and perhaps healing - when I listen deeply to that point of view.  And it sends a message to the other person that that point of view is worth taking the time to understand.  

The quality of the mediation has a lot to do with the quality of the listening.  It's hard to explain that, but I really believe it is true.